- 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘄𝗶𝗳𝗲 𝗱𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗿𝘃𝗲𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗲𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗴𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗲𝗿
The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said:
((أَكْمَلُ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ إِيمَانًا أَحْسَنُهُمْ خُلُقًا، وَخِيَارُكُمْ خِيَارُكُمْ لِنِسَائِهِمْ خُلُقًا)).
“The most complete of believers in faith are those with the best character, and the best of you are the best in behavior to their women.” [Sunan At-Tirmidhī (1162) authenticated by Sheikh Albāni]
Imām Ash-Shawkāni raḥimahullāh said: “You find a man displaying the worst character around his family; he behaves like a warrior and not much good is seen from him, but when he is with strangers he becomes gentle, kindhearted, hospitable and displays much good. Undoubtedly, this type of individual is deprived of success and has strayed from the correct path. We ask Allāh for safety!”
[Nayl Al-Awṭār 2/246]
The Prophet ﷺ said: “You (addressing Al-Ashajj ’AbdulQays) have two characteristics which Allāh loves: gentleness and deliberation.” He asked: Have I acquired them or has Allāh created (them) my nature? He ﷺ replied: “No, Allāh has created (them) in your nature.” [Sunan Abi Dawud (5225)]
[recommended reading: ‘Upright Moral Character’ by Sheikh ’Uthaymeen raḥimahullāh]
Therefore, if you have a character flaw try your best to fix it. Don’t expect your wife to endure life with your inadequacies. If you nag learn to quit. If you are prone to anger learn how to manage it. If you are impatient learn patience. If you are vindictive learn forgiveness. If you are oppressive learn to be human. If you are insolent learn obedience. If you are miserly learn generosity. Learn to be considerate and understanding rather than being selfish and self centered. Learn to admit your character flaws and work on fixing them. The fact that all humans have flaws does not mean all human flaws are tolerable!
- 𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗼𝗹𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝘄𝗼 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗺𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗰𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗺 𝗿𝗲𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽; because there’s bound to be differences – no matter how much you try.
- 𝗧𝗼𝗼 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝗿𝘂𝗹𝗲𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝗮𝗿𝗿𝗶𝗮𝗴𝗲 𝗿𝘂𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝘂𝗻 𝗶𝗻 𝗶𝘁. Marriage should not be like a millitary camp where rules are rigidly set, and where breaking a law leads to grievous consequences. Marriage shouldn’t be without rules either, but the rules should have a human face, after all, the foundations of marriage are built upon affection and mercy. Remove these two from marriage and you will just have a prison yard with two adults living together as husband and wife.
- 𝗦𝘁𝗿𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗮𝗻 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘄𝗶𝗳𝗲. Once you and your wife understand each another, other people’s input will be irrelevant to your marriage. But this takes a lot of effort, sincerity, opennes, commitment and communication to build.
- 𝗛𝗲𝗹𝗽 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘄𝗶𝗳𝗲 𝗮𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗲:
Al-Aswad ibn Yazīd asked ’Ā’ishah raḍhiyallāhu ’anhā: “What did the Prophet ﷺ use to do at home?” She said, “He used to help his family, but when he heard the Adhan, he would go out.”
[Bukhāri & Muslim]
Here are some practical examples:
- Example 1. If you wake up after your wife, don’t leave the bed undone. Clean the bed and tidy the room. Imagine how pleased she would be if she left the room to prepare breakfast and returns to find everything neat and tidy. I’m sure she’ll appreciate your kindness. How not when you’ve given her one less thing to worry about.
- Example 2. When she’s in the kitchen washing the dishes etc., approach her from behind, hug her and kiss her on the neck, then offer to wash the dishes. I’m sure she’ll refuse your offer; her hands are already wet and she’s probably almost done. The point being, sometimes a kind word is all it takes, you don’t even need to lift a finger.
- Example 3. Order her takeaway every now and then. Maybe once a week, like Fridays.
- Example 4. Go to her occasionally when she’s busy with her chores, give her a kiss on the neck, massage her shoulders and show how much you appreciate her.
Note: although it’s good to be affectionate to one another infront of the kids, you must be careful not to go overboard by kissing on the lips, fondling, using inappropriate language, etc.
- Call her using beautiful names and praise her often. Praise her food, her looks, taste, etc.
- Buy her simple gifts like chocolate cookies, crisps, milkshake, ice cream, perfume, etc., and if she demands that you prove your love by buying gold or expensive beauty accessories, respond to her with these lines of poetry:
وما الحلى إلا زينة لنقيصة … يتمم من حسن إذا الحسن قصرا
Jewellery is only an adornment for one with flaws … It compensates for beauty if (one’s) beauty is lacking
فأما إذا كان الجمال موفراً … فحسنك لم يحتج إلى أن يزورا
But if beauty exists in abundance (like in your case) … then your beauty does not need to be forged
The Prophet ﷺ said:
(( إِنِّي لَأَمْزَحُ ، وَلَا أَقُولُ إِلَّا حَقًّا))
“I joke, but I do not say except what is true.” [Jaami’ Al-Kabeer & Al-Awsat of At-Tabarani, graded (Saheeh) by Sheikh Albani in Saheeh Al-Jami’ (2494)]
Examples:
When your wife says, “I was a fool when I married you.” You should say, “I was in love with you so I didn’t really notice.”
[A man asked his wife what she wanted for ’Eid. She said, Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.” So he bought her nothing.]
A wife says to her husband, our kids are spoilt. He responds, “All kids smell like that.”
[A husband asked his wife if she ever fantasizes about him. She said yes. She fantasizes about him taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.]
[Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.]
[Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that, ‘This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purposes.]
[It’s been a very emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.]
[Arguing with your wife is like reading the Terms & conditions. At the end, you just give up agree.]
[In every shop there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.]
“I’m done talking. Let’s have a wrestling match.” Push her gently onto the bed, then hug and kiss her on the cheek/neck.
Examples:
[I need you like a heart needs a beat]
[Thinking of you keeps me awake. Dreaming of you keeps me asleep. Being with you keeps me alive.]
[To the rest of the world you may be one person, but to me you are the world]
[The moment I saw you I fell in love with you]
Whisper in her hear, “You are the best woman a man could ever have.”
- 𝗟𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗻 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗲𝗮𝗹 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘄𝗶𝗳𝗲’𝘀 𝗲𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝘀𝘄𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀, especially when she’s on her period. This is where marital discords often sets in.
‘Ā’ishah raḍhiyallāhu ’anhā said: “I would drink from a vessel when I was on my period, then hand it to the Prophet ﷺ, and he would put his mouth where mine had been and drink; and I would nibble meat from a bone, when I was on my period, then hand it to the Prophet ﷺ, and he would put his mouth where mine had been.” [Bukhāri & Muslim]
She also said raḍhiyallāhu ’anhā: “The Prophet ﷺ used to recite the Qur’an with his head in my lap while I was on my period.” [Al-Bukhari].
Notice how in these two ḥadīths Ā’ishah raḍhiyallāhu ’anhā says, “I was on my period”; the time during which a woman becomes moody due to the physiological changes which are happening to her, and during which she needs her husband to be especially patient and merciful with her.
These actions and gestures will make your wife feel like you love her and that she means a lot to you, and not that she is just a maid for you.
- Don’t allow your desire to marry a second wife occupy you from focusing on your current wife. Polygyny is like building a four storey block, you can only start work on the next floor if the floor below is stable.
- 𝗦𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝘀𝘆𝗺𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗵𝘆 𝘁𝗼𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘄𝗶𝗳𝗲, especially when she falls ill or going through a difficult time.
This is what marriage is all about; finding comfort in your partner, compassion, mercy…as Allāh ﷻ said:
{وَمِنۡ ءَایَـٰتِهِۦۤ أَنۡ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنۡ أَنفُسِكُمۡ أَزۡوَ ٰجࣰا لِّتَسۡكُنُوۤا۟ إِلَیۡهَا وَجَعَلَ بَیۡنَكُم مَّوَدَّةࣰ وَرَحۡمَةًۚ إِنَّ فِی ذَ ٰلِكَ لَـَٔایَـٰتࣲ لِّقَوۡمࣲ یَتَفَكَّرُونَ}
“And among His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect.”
[Sūrah Ar-Rūm, Āyah 21]
A wise person said: when your wife feels weak, be to her like a Father. When she cries, be to her like a Mother. When she makes a mistake, be to her like a brother. When she complains, be to her like a Friend. When she feels afraid, annex her into your heart and be to her like a lover. When she needs advice, be to her like a sister. And make her feel like you will always be with her and not abandon her till death. Once you are like this, your wife will be the most loving of wife you could ever wish for.
{رَبَّنَا هَبۡ لَنَا مِنۡ أَزۡوَ ٰجِنَا وَذُرِّیَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعۡیُنࣲ وَٱجۡعَلۡنَا لِلۡمُتَّقِینَ إِمَامًا}
“Our Lord! Bless us with ˹pious˺ spouses and offspring who will be the joy of our hearts, and make us models for the righteous.”
[Surah Al-Furqân: 74]
It is related that ’Abdullāh ibn Mas’ūd raḍhiyallāhu ’anhu used to say this supplication a lot:
((اللَّهُمَّ أَلِّفْ بَيْنَ قُلُوبِنَا، وَأَصْلِحْ ذَاتَ بَيْنِنَا، وَاهْدِنَا سُبُلَ السَّلَامِ، وَنَجِّنَا مِنَ الظُّلُمَاتِ إِلَى النُّورِ، وَجَنِّبْنَا الْفَوَاحِشَ مَا ظَهَرَ مِنْهَا وَمَا بَطَنَ، وَبَارِكْ لَنَا فِي أَسْمَاعِنَا، وَأَبْصَارِنَا، وَقُلُوبِنَا، وَأَزْوَاجِنَا، وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا، وَتُبْ عَلَيْنَا إِنَّكَ أَنْتَ التَّوَّابُ الرَّحِيمُ، وَاجْعَلْنَا شَاكِرِينَ لِنِعْمِكَ مُثْنِينَ بِهَا عَلَيْكَ، قَابِلِينَ لَهَا، وَأَتِمِمْهَا عَلَيْنَا)).
“O Allaah! Reconcile our hearts, amend what is between us, guide us to the paths of peace, save us from the darkness [and admit us] to light, and save us from obscenities, inwardly or outwardly, and bless our hearing, seeing, hearts, spouses and offspring. And accept our repentance, indeed You are the Ever Accepting of Repentance, the Merciful, and make us thankful for Your favours. All praise is due to You. Accept our good deeds and complete them for us.”
[Sahih Adab al-Mufrad, No. 630]compiled & edited from various sources
compiled & edited from various sources
ASH HABUL HADITS 